I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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