After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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