Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
