This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
