totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize