The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
