You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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