My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
