I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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