the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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