the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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