I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
