Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
