Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
