Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
