I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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