I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
