careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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