i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Found the puke drawer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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