i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
