So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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