Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
