i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
