I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
