My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
