OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
