Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
