but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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