There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
