I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
