dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
