is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
