my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
