Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
