this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
