i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
3 2 1 whiskey
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
