I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
