mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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