i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
