I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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