He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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