You're a womanizer and a bitch.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
