My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
