I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
