I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
