First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
