you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
