Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize