please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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