Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
