I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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