I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
