ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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