Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
