Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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