Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
