Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
sarcasm needs its own font
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
