OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
